Existentialism for mummies

I'm hoping this book actually exists.

Because I need advice on how to reply to the recent barrage of questions from TS.

'Where's the seaside/waterfall/museum gone?'

'Um...it's where it was when we left it five minutes ago...'

'Where's my home?'

'Um, where your heart is...?'

'If a tree falls down in a forest...'

Arrrrrrrrrrrrgh.