Open letter to the Director General of the BBC

Dear Mr Thompson

My children are really keen on the three-minute film in the middle of the Teletubbies DVD I bought them for Christmas.

When I say 'really keen on', what I mean is 'displaying a frightening obsession with'.

The film involves two four-year-olds (Becky and Alistair) making ice cream sundaes in their parents' kitchen.

It's quite possible that I have had to sit through this mini-movie, um, 376 times in the past week.

So I am writing to enquire whether you might consider giving Becky and Alistair their very own show on Cbeebies.

Truly, they are a comic duo on a par with the best of British (French and Saunders, Morecambe and Wise, Keith Harris and Orville etc.).

A daily slot just after the Bobinogs would go down a treat in this household and might I suggest that you extend their remit beyond culinary tips to wildlife documentaries and catwalk commentaries?

Yours hopefully,
Marnie Sweet

P.S. Their comic genius is only enhanced by Becky's slurred speech and Alistair's missing top left incisor, so please don't be thinking about giving them a makeover before they make it on the big screen.

History rewritten

The grandparents took TS and TD on an outing to a local museum, at which there is a spectacular (read: bizarre) clock, which draws little kids like the Pied Piper when it chimes three times a day.

As soon as the mechanism cranked up, TS grabbed his grandfather's hand anxiously and tugged him towards the cafe ("Too noisy - no like it! We go cafe...").

When the grandparents called later to confirm what time they would be bringing TS and TD home, they explained the clock incident to me.

However, by the time they returned home, the story had 'morphed into:

"We see clock! Clock too noisy for Gwandad!"

Help me, Mr Freud

TD is increasingly interested in theories of gender difference.

Specifically, she wishes to know why it is she does not have a willy.

This voyage of self-discovery is manifesting itself in frequent attempts to establish what it is she has in place of this much-coveted body part.

"What's in my dottom?" she demands, pointing helpfully to the area in question.

Thing is, I only know the Latin.

Is it too early to be introducing her to classical languages?